When I see this picture, I see a girl who was lost. A girl who was trying to be someone she wasn't in a world that told her she wasn't good enough. I see someone who was so desperately trying to find out the real her but couldn't because her own thoughts told her, "Try something new. This you sucks."
All my life, I have struggled with these thoughts. I have changed my appearance so many times and sometimes in a way that is considered to be unhealthy. I was striving for someone to notice me. And when that didn't happen, I would try a new method. Having this negative view on yourself can eat you alive. In the end, it doesn't solve problems, but only creates more. I am so thankful for the thoughts and prayers that have been sent my way over the years for the loved ones who knew how I really thought about myself.
To be completely honest with you, I believe going through flight attendant training was the first time in years that I gained the slightest bit of confidence in myself. Throughout the entire training, I didn't want to tell a single soul where I was going or what I was doing because I didn't believe in myself enough to think that I could pass. And of course I would have been even more negative about myself if I didn't pass. The moment I received my wings was the moment that I realized I was capable of doing anything I set my mind to. Granted I've had people telling me this all my life, but I never believed it for myself. Becoming a flight attendant was a way to prove to MYSELF that I AM good enough. And that I CAN face my fears. Some may find it odd, but I was actually quite terrified of flying. After going through intense training and learning how safe it really is, my fears began to finally subside. Don't get me wrong, I still pray before every take off and landing while doing my silent review (haha), but I am able to fly without being as terrified of something awful happening. To some, it may have been their "dream job", but to me, it was so much more. Receiving those wings was the proudest moment of my life, even on top of becoming a majorette/eventually majorette captain in high school. This job to me is my confidence builder. It has taught me that I deserve to believe in myself. And I deserve to have the confidence everyone has been telling me I should have for all these years.
When I see pictures of my newborn niece Eva, I see a world of hope. I see so much innocence in such a little bundle of joy that I can only pray she never has to go through having broken thoughts. I've learned so much from her that I can only pray she can learn from her mom and I one day as well. I pray that she never has her heart broken by a boy, or feel like she is fat compared to her friends, or feel like she isn't good enough. Because when I look at Eva, I see a precious life that is so fragile yet brings so much happiness. Her smile is contagious and I can only pray she keeps that with her for the rest of her life. I want her to grow up having confidence in who she is and learn for herself that she can do absolutely anything she puts her mind to.
When I look at the picture below, I see a girl who is no longer lost. I see a girl who still has her ups and downs, but finally has more good thoughts than bad. Since the above picture, I have changed my hair back to its natural color as a way to just be me. I have worked out in order to gain confidence in my appearance in a way that is healthy and I have lost 30 pounds in the process of doing so. In the bottom picture, I see a girl who is FINALLY confident in saying, "This is me. Savannah Jane Autry. Just another broken girl who has finally learned to put the pieces back together."
"Little girl fourteen flipping through a magazine
Says she wants to look that way
But her hair isn't straight, her body isn't fake
And she's always felt overweight
Well, little girl fourteen I wish that you could see
That beauty is within your heart
And you were made with such care, your skin, your body and your hair
Are perfect just the way they are
There could never be a more beautiful you
Don't buy the lies, disguises and hoops, they make you jump through
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you
Little girl twenty one the things that you've already done
Anything to get ahead
And you say you've got a man but He's got another plan
Only wants what you will do instead
Well, little girl twenty one you never thought that this would come
You starve yourself to play the part
But I can promise you there's a man whose love is true
And He'll treat you like the jewel you are
There could never be a more beautiful you
Don't buy the lies, disguises and hoops, they make you jump through
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you, more beautiful you
So turn around you're not too far
To back away be who you are
To change your path go another way
It's not too late, you can be saved
If you feel depressed with past regrets
The shameful nights hope to forget
Can disappear, they can all be washed away
By the one who's strong, can right your wrongs
Can rid your fears dry, all your tears
And change the way you look at this big world
He will take your dark distorted view
And with His light, He will show you truth
And again you'll see through the eyes of a little girl
That there could never be a more beautiful you
Don't buy the lies, disguises and hoops, they make you jump through
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you
There could never be a more beautiful you."
Says she wants to look that way
But her hair isn't straight, her body isn't fake
And she's always felt overweight
Well, little girl fourteen I wish that you could see
That beauty is within your heart
And you were made with such care, your skin, your body and your hair
Are perfect just the way they are
There could never be a more beautiful you
Don't buy the lies, disguises and hoops, they make you jump through
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you
Little girl twenty one the things that you've already done
Anything to get ahead
And you say you've got a man but He's got another plan
Only wants what you will do instead
Well, little girl twenty one you never thought that this would come
You starve yourself to play the part
But I can promise you there's a man whose love is true
And He'll treat you like the jewel you are
There could never be a more beautiful you
Don't buy the lies, disguises and hoops, they make you jump through
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you, more beautiful you
So turn around you're not too far
To back away be who you are
To change your path go another way
It's not too late, you can be saved
If you feel depressed with past regrets
The shameful nights hope to forget
Can disappear, they can all be washed away
By the one who's strong, can right your wrongs
Can rid your fears dry, all your tears
And change the way you look at this big world
He will take your dark distorted view
And with His light, He will show you truth
And again you'll see through the eyes of a little girl
That there could never be a more beautiful you
Don't buy the lies, disguises and hoops, they make you jump through
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you
There could never be a more beautiful you."
-More Beautiful You by Jonny Diaz
