Restless.

I'm tired. I'm tired of focusing on myself and not looking to the One who matters. This is my confession. I complain so much about college and how much I hate it. I lose focus on remembering that GOD HAS ME HERE FOR A PURPOSE. I'm restless trying to search for peace in my life. I'm restless because He is wanting me to lay it all at the cross...but for some reason, I haven't been able to yet. My prayer is that I am able to lay everything aside, forget about my selfishness, and remember that it isn't my life or MY desires. I am here for a reason and I keep forgetting that. On tour, it was so easy for me to see God at work. In between meals with the homeless and shows seeing thousands of kids give their lives to Christ, I was able to see God work...and I could see it so clearly. Then, I went to college. Not just any college, but a Bible college. Here, it has been so much more difficult for me to clearly see God at work and moving. But that's because I have had blinders on. I've been for focused on comparing everything about college to tour life, that I haven't been able to see God at work. Then I remembered this. God doesn't move; you do. While God has never left and never stopped working, I've been too blinded by my own personal desires, I haven't been able to see the bigger picture. The picture that God has me here. Instead of responding to people when they ask, "How's college?" I'm going to work on saying, "It is exactly where God has called me." I pray that I am able to lay everything down at the cross. Here I am LORD, Your will, NOT MINE.

Jesus, I am sorry from the bottom of my heart for letting my personal desires get in the way of what You have for me. Take me, I'm Yours. Forever<3 div="div">

Mixed Emotions.

Well, the day I never thought would be here is less than 4 days away. That's right...no one ever thought they'd see the day Savannah goes to college. I have so many mixed emotions that I want to share. So here it goes.

I'm scared.
Going to a new place with new people scares me. It's normal. I was so scared when I first went on the road with Silver Ring Thing because I didn't know what to expect. Same thing. I don't know what to expect...and I'm super scared in making new friends. I've never felt like I've fit in anywhere...so I'm nervous that I will feel like I won't belong.

I'm excited.
I'm excited to decorate my dorm room. I'm excited to live on my own and staying in one place. I'm excited to learn more about the Bible and ministry. I'm excited to explore and go on new adventures. I'm excited to room with Christine. I'm excited to see how God uses me and where He is going to lead me.

I'm not excited.
I'm not excited to do homework and to take tests. I'm not excited to read and do school work. I'm not excited to go to college. I'm not excited to live in the dorms or to even live on campus. I'm not excited to leave home yet and for summer to be over. I'm not excited that tour is over.

As you can see, the negatives are definitely stronger than the positives. But I hope I will learn to like it. All I know is I am confident in knowing God is in this and He is going to see that I am honoring my parents and going to college. All I can hope for is to hear those words one day...Well done my good and faithful servant. God, I am trusting in You. Thank You Jesus for giving me strength.

Wanted.

Wanted. Beautiful. Loved. Treasured. Precious. Kind. Important. Missed. Valued. This is a list of words that have been running through my mind lately. Words that you long to hear from someone. Anyone. Looking back at my prior unhealthy relationships, I realize how much I turned to guys to tell me some of those things. Only wanting confidence and to feel important. Girls long to just feel wanted. We want to hear we are beautiful. It's beautiful to us to hear someone loves us. We love to feel treasured and adored by someone. It's a treasure to us when someone tells us we are precious. When we hear we are precious, we choose to be kind. When we are kind, we feel important since others seem to enjoy our presence. We don't feel important until we hear we are missed. When we are missed, we feel valued. You get my point. All of them go hand in hand and feed off of each other. Of course, let's get down to who. Yeah, some hear that stuff from their parents everyday. But it's not the same as having the guys say it to you. Comment on your pictures on Facebook saying you're pretty. Wanting to see how many people you can get to like it. We all do it.
Well this led me to thinking about how much we already have all of these characteristics. We don't need anyone to tell us. Tonight in worship, we sang a song that just hit home for me.


When I lose my way,
And I forget my name,
Remind me who I am.
In the mirror all I see,
Is who I don't wanna be,
Remind me who I am.
In the loneliest places,
When I can't remember what grace is.

Tell me once again who I am to You,
Who I am to You.
Tell me lest I forget who I am to You,
That I belong to You.
To You.

When my heart is like a stone,
And I'm running far from home,
Remind me who I am.
When I can't receive Your love,
Afraid I'll never be enough,
Remind me who I am.
If I'm Your beloved,
Can You help me believe it.

Tell me once again who I am to You,
Who I am to You, whoa.
Tell me lest I forget who I am to You.
That I belong to You.
To You.

I'm the one you love,
I'm the one you love,
That will be enough,
I'm the one you love.

Tell me once again who I am to You.
Who I am to You.
Tell me lest I forget who I am to You,
That I belong to You, oh.

Tell me once again who I am to You.
Who I am to You.
Tell me lest I forget who I am to You,
That I belong to You.
To You.


God sees you as so much more than what you see yourself or how others see you. You have to believe it for yourself before you let anyone else tell you. You are so much more in His eyes than what man has to offer. Sure we love hearing those comments, but have confidence in yourself knowing that God already sees you as all of those things. And when it feels like its never enough, remember of the love He has for you. Sending His one and only Son to die on the cross for you. That is the ultimate sacrifice. More than any man has to offer. That is the ultimate love. So turn to Jesus today as you look in the mirror. Your beauty comes from God and God alone.

But the Lord said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." -1 Samuel 16:7.

A letter to Heaven.

Hi Pappy. I decided to write you a letter every year... I wrote you a letter and put it in your casket, so I figured I'd keep writing to you. I can't believe you've been gone a year. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you and miss you. They say it gets easier, but that doesn't seem to be true. Every time I would come home from tour and walk down the driveway, I would sit in your chair and do a word search like I used to do sitting on your lap when I was little. When I would go back home, I secretly cry every time. I try so hard to be strong for daddy and Grammy, but sometimes I can't. I try and numb myself to the pain and not think about it. Because anytime I do, I break down. I wish you could be here especially now that I'm home. I hope I made you proud on tour. I know you are watching over me. Grammy still cries often. I pray one day God blesses me with a marriage like you two had. 57 years later and you two still loved each other. So much has happened this year and so often, I would want to pick up the phone and call you to tell you about it. When I would call gram, she would sound so excited to talk to me. I still listen to a recording of your voice telling me I'm the bestest baby in the world. A year later and things still aren't normal without you. We all miss you pappy. I love you with all my heart and I miss you more than ever...I'm still not ready to let go of you. Continue to watch over us. You will always be my best friend. I love and miss you pappy.

Love always,
Boots/Punchin' Judy Cookin' Dinner

Define normal.

Normal. According to the dictionary, the word normal is defined as: conforming to the standard or common type; usual; regular; natural. To me, normal means doing what society tells you.

Ever watch the movie 101 Dalmatians when you were younger? Remember that one dalmatian that didn't get spots right away? I'm pretty sure its name was Oddball. Yeah, well that was always me. I always had to do something different than everyone else. My family is your typical American family. Mom, dad, sister, dog, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. My sister is getting married in October to a great guy whom I love to death who has a "big boy" haircut, as my dad would say, and has a job to support a family. Then there's me. I dig guys that have long hair, skinny jeans, tattoos, and most importantly, love Jesus. If they are completely broke and say, "I'm trusting God," that's my type of guy.  My family is very normal. Normal clothes, normal hair, normal everything. Me on the other hand? I like skinny jeans, crazy colored clothing, tattoos, piercings, dying my hair every color there is, crazy patterns, and adventuring on rooftops. For my family, that's not normal. I was blessed to be raised by great parents who taught me right from wrong, but I was never blessed by a solid Christian household. My family thankfully supports me in all that I do (most of the time), but when it comes to church stuff, we were what I would like to call "Chreasters." We would only attend church on Christmas and Easter. When I got saved, I got my parents to go to church with me and I found my home church Crossroads. When I felt a calling for ministry and decided to hop on the road for a year, that wasn't normal...which is where some conflict came into play. It was normal to go to graduate high school. It was also normal to go straight to college. Not for me. I've always hated doing the "normal" thing. So, I chose to travel the country for 9 months presenting the Gospel with 12 other AWESOME brothers and sisters in Christ. Let me tell you something...when you finally say, "Here I am LORD, send me." He will bless you for your step of obedience.

Coming off of tour has been a huge life transition. Because I don't come from the background of a Christian home, life on the road was a huge blessing. I gained 12 brothers and sisters in Christ that became my new family. A new family that I could go to for prayer requests, that I could walk the streets with sharing the Gospel, that I could take the homeless out to eat, that I could gain Godly advice from. Coming back home, it has been hard to adjust. Not having anyone to turn to to gain Biblical advice from, not praying before family meals, not doing devotionals and quiet time together, not keeping each other accountable.

Now here is the point I am trying to get at. While writing all of this, I realized this. YOU define your own normal. Make it normal for your family to pray before meals. Make it normal to read the Bible together. Make it normal to take homeless out to eat no matter how unsafe your parents think it is. Make it normal to follow God's will. Next year, I will be doing society's "normal" and going to college. And trust me. It has been a struggle for me to accept that I am doing society's "normal." I am not going to give in to what everyone tells me, but I am obeying what the Bible says and the Bible says to honor your parents. My parents have supported me in everything...tour was a struggle for them, but they made a compromise with me that if I took a year off, I had to go to college the following year...college was my parents dream for me. So here I am, left saying, LORD, send me. Still confused on where He is sending me, but I am trusting. Trusting that God will do great things. All you gotta do is let God be your new normal.

The sky is the limit.

Well, tour officially ended. But you would never know that, because 2 days later, I decided to take an 11 day road trip to end up in Houston, TX. Jack, Chelsea, and I left Pittsburgh on the 25th. We stopped in Savannah, GA, Huntsville, AL, New Orleans/Lutcher, LA, Houston, TX, College Station, TX, and Marble Falls, TX. We got the opportunity to check out some awesome churches and meet some awesome people. We were in church in Savannah, GA and I just kind of took a second to look back and reflect on my life. I was in Savannah, GA. I got the opportunity to travel the entire country as well as the island of Barbados. How many people get that opportunity? At that moment, I was so humbled. God has blessed me so much and all I do is fail Him constantly. Sometimes you get into this phase where you are just going through the motions. I'm sick of it. He has blessed us immensely and all we do is continue to live for ourselves. It's time for change.

Another humbling moment was when we were in Lutcher. First off, I remember staying there the first time on tour and how great the people were. We stayed with a host family that blew my mind. Their house was incredible and they were all around phenomenal. Our host dad talked to us in the morning and just encouraged us. He was so sweet and kind and shared stories of how God was working in His life. He decided he wanted to bless us by giving us money to go to lunch. When we got to lunch, we met a lady who was deaf. From friends who have deaf parents and friends that love sign language, I knew enough to be able to do small talk with her. We asked if she was hungry. She said she was but she didn't have time. We then asked if she wanted something to go. We ordered her food and she said she would be right back. A guy at the table behind us asked if she was coming back. We said yes, she just had to go outside. About ten minutes passed and she came back in and got her food and thanked us. The waitress came up to us and said, "I just wanted to let you know all of your tickets including hers were taken care of by the gentleman behind you." when we looked behind us, he was gone. He saw us trying to minister and bless someone, so instead, he blessed us. We were all taken back for a second at what just happened. God will bless you for your actions. The point of this story is this. When I thought tour ended, I kinda was not ready to stop being used. When this happened, I realized just because I'm not on tour with a ministry and will not get the opportunity to minister daily doesn't mean I can't be used in "the real world." God will continue to give opportunities, even ones I do not deserve. Like tomorrow for example. Tomorrow, God decided to work out perfect timing. Chelsea is good friends with a member of Tenth Avenue North's wife. We are going to be in Nashville at the exact time that Tenth Avenue North will be filming their new music video for their song Losing. They are trying to get us in the video. What the heck?! How cool is that? Like I said, He will bless you...when you don't deserve any of it. Be humble to be His servant. Appreciate everything and never take any of it for granted. Make the most of every opportunity.

The devil will tempt you but fight the good fight. And when you fight the good fight, you will be blessed for it. Our reward in Heaven is so much greater than anything on this planet. When you say here I am Lord, send me. He will send you to places you could never imagine. Let your attitude be focused on Christ and Christ alone. Let Him use your hands and feet and He will bless you for it. With Christ, the sky is the limit.

Broken pieces.

Hiding. I used to hide behind my mom when I was little because I was too shy. Or hide behind a door playing hide and go seek with my older sister. When I got older, I was hiding something much bigger. I was hiding my broken heart behind my smile. My past involves depression that occasionally comes back to haunt me at the most random moments. I can be having the time of my life and one second later, I feel like my world is crashing down. I would fake a smile everyday so no one would question me or my thoughts. Behind that smile was a broken girl who felt lost in the world and felt worthless, unwanted, and shattered. I always felt like I was trying to be someone completely different and that no one wanted me around. I always felt like the outcast and that no one would even notice if I was gone. These thoughts would take over and control my life. When I got saved, I thought my life would be so much easier. Let me tell you, it's not a walk in the park. Some days, the devil will take hold and try and tear you apart...DON'T LET HIM TAKE OVER. When you feel so alone in this world, turn to Jesus...He will never leave you or forsake you. I am still that same broken girl, but here is the difference. I now have hope. Hope in knowing He is God. King of all Kings. Turn to Jesus. He is willing to take those broken pieces of your heart and mend them back together. Cling to the truth of knowing that He is mighty and just. For He makes all things new. "That however is not the way of the life you learned when you heard about Christ and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness." -Ephesians 4:20-24