Fear.

Someone asked me a question today and it has had me thinking all day. The question was, what is your biggest fear? Now, a general question like that, you would think one would be able to give an answer automatically. I honestly could not think of my biggest fear. I realized that I have multiple fears.
I have a fear of being kidnapped.
I have a fear of being in a natural disaster.
I have a fear of being burned in a fire.
I have a fear of car accidents.
I have a fear of becoming fat.
I have a fear of getting a terminal illness.
I have a fear of dying young.
I have a fear of dying old.
I have a fear of losing a loved one.
I have a fear of bugs.
I have a fear of terrorist attacks.
I have a fear of airplane crashes.
I have a fear of huge roller coasters.
I have a fear of roller coasters breaking.
I have a fear of choking to death.
I have a fear of drowning.
I have a fear of starvation.
I have a fear of hypothermia.

...I think you get my point. I realized I have a fear of just about everything. I later remembered 2 Bible verses that always stuck with me.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”-Joshua 1:9

and...

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” -Deuteronomy 31:6

Now, there are not many passages in the Bible that say the same thing twice. But here, it says, be strong and courageous, do not be afraid. How powerful is that! The LORD is with you no matter what happens to you. It made me realize that no matter what the circumstance, God can always be found hidden amidst the terrifying events. Take the incident Columbine for example. I watched a father of a girl speak about his daughter's death in Columbine and hidden things that happened in their family since the tragedy occurred. One of the things was this girl Rachel always told her sisters, I feel like I'm not going to live much longer. They later found a journal that said, This is my last year here LORD. thank you. Now imagine being that family reading that passage. Later, they also found her bookbag that she had on when she was shot in Columbine. In her bookbag, there was a drawing she had done the previous week. To them and to anyone else, it looked like a simple doodle drawing. They later realized it was a pair of eyes with tears...the tears were watering some type of flower. Doing research, the family discovered it was the Columbine flower...The LORD was calling her before she even knew it. The 2 shooters in the school shot her once, and then proceeded to walk up to her. They lifted up her head and said, "Do you still believe in your God now?" Rachel continued on and said, "Yes." and they shot her in the head. The next words rachel heard was by God Himself saying, well done my good and faithful servant. Rachel was strong and courageous. She had no fear because she knew in her heart that God was with her through that process. Rachel's dad said she had a dream of being an actress and working in missionary spreading the Gospel. He said one day, she was watching Oprah and turned to her dad and said, I'm gonna be on Oprah one day. Her dad forgot completely about it until he was on set at the Oprah show, walked up on stage, and saw Rachel's picture on the big screen. He fell to his knees remembering his daughter saying she would be on the Oprah show one day...sure enough, God made it happen.

Now, another thing I realized about when I was thinking of all of my fears, I realized suddenly I never thought of this key fear...
I have a fear of God.

It is my whole way of living, and yet, I didn't put it? We get too distracted by things in this world to think of the most important. I fear God because when it comes time for judgement day, He chooses Heaven or hell. He chooses eternal life or eternal damnation.

"Fear the LORD your God, serve him only and take your oaths in his name. 14 Do not follow other gods, the gods of the peoples around you;" -Deuteronomy 6:13

It's okay to fear things. But remember to always trust in God. Always know He is with you. Because if you fail at doing that, you are failing Him. When it comes time for YOUR judgement day, did you fear God enough to follow Him and not sin against Him? Did YOU choose not to repent from your sins? Fear God, for He chooses your destiny...

3/15/2011.

Dear Future Husband,
I have been praying for you daily for so long now. I know you are out there somewhere and I pray you are waiting and praying for me too. I've made some mistakes in my past that I hope you can forgive me for. I pray that I can forgive you too for whatever your past holds. I pray that you have a heart of GOD and love Him more than you will ever love me. I am waiting for you. I am so in love with you already and I don't even know you yet. I pray that you will see that love revealed on our wedding day. It's not about the 3 words, "I love you." It's about those 4 words..."You're worth waiting for." I pray we can stay strong and face any obstacles that come our way. I am dedicated to you already. My heart has been renewed by God and I am so Blessed for that fact. 2 years ago, I gave my heart to Jesus Christ, my LORD and Savior. I cannot wait to hear how God has worked in your life and I pray more than ever that we have a Godly relationship. I'm waiting. And I cannot wait to meet you. I love you. More than anything.

Love always,
Your future wife.

The clock is ticking.

For Christmas, we bought my pappy a new watch. My dad told me to throw his old one away, but instead I took it and put it on. My pappy was thrilled I was wearing it. He could tell I wanted it. I wanted it because I always remember him wearing this watch. And when he's gone, I will always be wearing something of his. Well, this watch likes to tick. really loud. When I'm alone at night, left thinking about life, I hear it ticking. It reminds me that our time here is short. And it also reminds me that my time is getting less and less each day with my pappy. He is turning 80 this year and isn't doing so well. It's super hard on me because I'm his only full blood grandchild. My entire family already knows, he DOES pick favorites...and I'm his favorite. I'm his baby, always. Because of this, we are super close. I love him more than anything and I've always taken my time with him for granted...until recently. Everyday, I feel closer and closer to him. Making it harder and harder to say goodbye when I have to. But I can tell he is loving every second that I am taking to spend time with him. I feel selfish at times because I keep praying for him asking to keep him safe and especially healthy. I feel like I shouldn't do this because he is suffering. When Phil passed away, I talked to my pappy about it. And he said, "That's a shame. I'm sorry boots (my nickname). But at least he doesn't have to suffer no more." This conversation with him, I am so thankful for. It was a Blessing from God. It will bring me a peace to when he passes. That he is suffering no more. But I can't bring myself to stop praying for him to stay here with me. I'm selfish. I love him more than anything, and I'm not ready to give him up to God. I can't picture my life without him here. It sucks, big time. All I can do now is pray for strength. And remember, the clock is ticking...

Losing a friend.

This past sunday, our school's world was flipped upside down. A loving friend died in a car accident Sunday night. Phil Walker was known for his kind and caring compassion, always seen with a smile no matter what, basically the energizer bunny from being so happy and energetic all the time. Phil was a friend to everyone at our school and probably many other schools. It has everyone's hearts aching for the loss. But this whole time, I keep picturing Phil just popping out of nowhere and laughing at us for crying over him. I feel like if he were to walk into the room, he'd crack a joke to cheer us all up. I keep hearing his voice and laugh in my head repeatedly. One second, he was there, the next second, he's no longer a part of earth. It really becomes a slap in the face. We need to stop spending our time focusing on the things that don't matter. We need to stop taking things for granted. Live everyday as if it's your last. I'm so worried about my future and it may not even get there. Tragedy occurs everyday but we don't notice it until it happens to us. I keep thinking, "What if it was me?" It could've happened to any of us. But it happened to Phil. God's plan was it was his time. We all don't always agree with His timing but what we can do is make the most out of our time left. We all need to use this for the best way we can. Phil was the greatest guy we knew. Why can't we all be like that? No more social cliques, no more popularity contest, no more separation of love and hate. I really hope this brings our school closer together for the loss of our great friend. So by the end of the year, we are all great friends and would react this way to any one of our classmates. One thing is for sure, Phil will never be forgotten. In any of our hearts.

One thing about Phil is he was a believer. I believe it is what made him the amazing way he was. He was one of the strongest people we knew due to his family situation, but everyday was strong enough to put on a huge smile. He believed in God and everything God had for him. Unfortunately, God had another plan for him that ended his life early. We don't know why stuff like this happens, but all we can do is trust. Trust in the LORD. We shouldn't be mad he's gone. We should be happy for him. He is now at the feet of Jesus. I pray he is happier than ever and dancing for God.

Psalm 116

I love the LORD, for he heard my voice;
he heard my cry for mercy.
2 Because he turned his ear to me,
I will call on him as long as I live.
3 The cords of death entangled me,
the anguish of the grave came over me;
I was overcome by distress and sorrow.
4 Then I called on the name of the LORD:
“LORD, save me!”

5 The LORD is gracious and righteous;
our God is full of compassion.
6 The LORD protects the unwary;
when I was brought low, he saved me.

7 Return to your rest, my soul,
for the LORD has been good to you.

8 For you, LORD, have delivered me from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling,
9 that I may walk before the LORD
in the land of the living.

10 I trusted in the LORD when I said,
“I am greatly afflicted”;
11 in my alarm I said,
“Everyone is a liar.”

12 What shall I return to the LORD
for all his goodness to me?

13 I will lift up the cup of salvation
and call on the name of the LORD.
14 I will fulfill my vows to the LORD
in the presence of all his people.

15 Precious in the sight of the LORD
is the death of his faithful servants.
16 Truly I am your servant, LORD;
I serve you just as my mother did;
you have freed me from my chains.

17 I will sacrifice a thank offering to you
and call on the name of the LORD.
18 I will fulfill my vows to the LORD
in the presence of all his people,
19 in the courts of the house of the LORD—
in your midst, Jerusalem.

Praise the LORD.

We love you Phil<3

Alone.

There are some nights where I lay in bed and just think. Think about my life and my future and everything in general. Some of those nights, I feel so alone. I couldn't tell you why. A feeling inside me just feels incomplete. Like there is something missing. My life is filled with such amazing people. I have been so blessed by the people and things in my life. My life is great, but sometimes a person can look complete on the outside, but so broken on the inside. These types of nights are the nights where I cry out to God more than anything. He is the only thing that keeps me going some days. I'm content with my life. But sometimes, I just need more. Not in the selfish way, but as in, "what is the purpose for me being here" way. And my purpose is to share God's love. And help those in more need than myself. I love my life and everything in it, which is why I don't have a clue why I feel like this some nights. I guess that is just the beauty of it all. Growing in Him and getting to know Him more and connect with Him. He is the only thing that I want to seek more of and learn more of His love. I am a sinner and don't deserve any of His love and mercy, but receive it anyways. Thank You God for being there for me no matter what and giving me purpose. Seeking more and more of His love is all that I want. And that is most likely why I get this feeling of emptiness inside of me. It is God wanting more of me. wanting all of me. Jesus, thank You. for completing me<3



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xneqXUuH6U0

This song has been on repeat all night. Thank you Holly Kane for showing me it in perfect timing<3 love you!

You're Beautiful by MercyMe

Days will come when you don't have the strength
And all you hear is you're not worth anything
Wondering if you ever could be loved
And if they truly saw your heart
They'd see too much

You're beautiful, You're beautiful
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful, You're beautiful
You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His
You're beautiful

Praying that you have the heart to fight
Cuz you are more than what is hurting you tonight
For all the lies you've held inside so long
But they are nothing in the shadow of the cross

You're beautiful, You're beautiful
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful, You're beautiful
You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His
You're beautiful

Before you ever took a breath
Long before the world began
Of all the wonders He possessed
There was one more precious
Of all the earth and skies above
You're the one He madly loves
Enough to die!

You're beautiful, You're beautiful
In His eyes

You're beautiful!
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful!
You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His
You're beautiful!
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful!
You are treasured
You are sacred
You are His<3

My Summer!

Where to even begin. I haven’t blogged all summer really. Waiting to make one big entry at the end. Well, the time is coming where it is almost the end. This summer has been by far the best summer vacation I’ve ever had. And when I use the word vacation, I mean vacation. I have had amazing opportunities this summer and I’d like to share all about it.

My first and second week of summer break, I traveled with my entire family to Outer Banks, North Carolina. It was a fun trip, but nothing too amazing happened for me there. I did however get to talk with my aunt about what her job was. She is a nurse at a rehab center and gets the opportunity to work with teenagers who have come from a horrible family life. Most of the teenagers are there for rehab due to suicidal thoughts and injuries from self harm. I was able to share with her the amazing organization I think we have all heard of, To Write Love On Her Arms. I showed her the story and told her all how it got started. She said she would definitely take the organization back to her other workers to tell them about it.

My third week, I got to spend it with the lovely Mary Scott. She’s a good friend of mine from Raleigh, NC. It was amazing being able to meet her. God truly does place people in your lives for a reason. Mary Scott first became my friend on facebook. Some may think that’s creepy, but I thought it was awesome that we found each other. We both wanted to get to know each other more based on the fact both of us have been praying for tour with the Silver Ring Thing. We have texted every single day since the first day we became friends. And we are continuing that chain until we’re sick of each other. [which isn’t gonna happen]. It has been amazing having a friend that is there to pray for you no matter what is going on. Good or bad, she’s there for me and I like to think I’m there for her too whenever she needs it. I love her dearly and I love her amazing heart for the LORD. It’s been awesome having a sister in Christ. That week, I was also given the AMAZING opportunity to share my testimony for Silver Ring Thing. It wasn’t as hard as I expected it to be. Until later on. Having to go back into the state of mind of before and relive it in my head was a challenging thing to do later on. Your past is there for a reason, to learn from it. And man have I learned alot. A favorite saying of mine is this. Don’t let the past dictate who you are, but let it be a part of who you become.

My fourth week, I traveled to Tampa, Florida to visit my best friend since age birth. Seriously...we’ve been friends forever. I have a photo of me and Chelsie from my first birthday. Chelsie is sitting next to me trying to blow out my candle. At first, I was kind of nervous about going. It’s been so long seeing her (about 3-4 years) that I was nervous we both changed way too much and it would be weird. As soon as I saw her at the airport, I knew that nothing changed. Hugging her and her mom (my second mom since I was little) was the best feeling ever. It felt as if she had never left and we’d never been apart. Everything was the same. Our friendship is so strong, and I realized that alot this trip. I was able to be myself without any problem. We joked like we were 5 again. It was an amazing experience getting to see her new world. I got to see her school, her friends, her home, her ridiculous malls, her lifestyle, and her family again. Her little brother used to be the quietest kid I knew, so I was curious as to how he would react to me being there. HE TALKED THIS TIME. He’s seriously the cutest kid ever and like a brother to me. And I must say, it was fun having a little bro to pick on for a week. THANKS PHIL FOR LETTING ME PICK ON YOU! But throughout this whole week, I was also faced with challenges. God really was there to help me out when I needed it. The enemy was on the prowl that week after sharing my testimony. My testimony has alot to do with self image. Being surrounded by beauty the whole week was a challenge itself. Insecurities coming back, I really had to focus to stay strong. And surprisingly, I just received the verse of the day text that fit perfectly with this blog. Thanks Laura for that text! “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new one has come!” -1 Corinthians 5:17. I thought this fit the topic pretty well. But anyway, in the end, I really realized how God pulled through for me. I know that I am beautiful inside and out, because I am a creation of God. and I am so thankful for Him changing my life.

Coming home for a couple weeks was okay. I was able to intern some and make some amazing friends at SRT. Having to see them go back home was really hard. I miss Holly Kane, Melissa Douglas, Tarah Caldwell, and Rachel Perry a whole lot! Also being home, I had a photoshoot with the awesome photographer, MichaelWill Photography! I highly recommend you check him out. His work will blow you away. He’s an amazing dude and also my Bible Study leader and the speaker that got me saved! Praise God for that. Check him out at www.michaelwill.wordpress.com

My next trip was to Charleston, South Carolina with my church youth group. It was my first mission trip so I was pretty pumped about it. Being able to share God’s love was something I was looking forward to. The week before mission trip, I helped my own church with a Vacation Bible School. The week of mission trip, I found out our working location was going to be a Vacation Bible School with inner city kids. If you know me personally, you’d know I’m not a huge fan of kids...I’m extremely good with them, but I’m not a fan. God really challenged me to open my heart and love on the kids. We also went to the beach. We wanted to do something more for the area. So, our group and the group we were working with at the church thought of something we could do. We went around the beach and passed out free cold water bottles saying God Bless to every single person. We didn’t get rejected once. At the end of the day, we passed out 150 water bottles. And had some awesome conversations along with prayer requests to take back with us. Another amazing experience about that week was our group. Our working groups were also our roommates. I got placed in a room that I didn’t know anyone really well. I was nervous about how it would turn out. But it ended up being the best experience because of the amazing girls I was with. My leader was my youth pastor’s wife. I knew my youth pastor really well, but I never got the chance to meet her. So it was already an amazing chance to get to know her and I love her to death! The girls and I really bonded and I got to know them really well and in the end, I now think we will all go to each other if we need anything at all such as life advice. They definitely made it the best week for me.

“This one time, at band camp...” Yes, lovely old band camp was my next trip. We went to Washington and Jefferson College for a week. Let me tell you, marching band is not as dorky as it seems. We worked 12 hours a day in the intense HOT sun. I think I lost a total of 10 pounds in one week. Being captain of the majorette squad has been fun but challenging at times. But for the performance, I had a wonderful surprise guest come, Missy from SRT. It meant so much to me to see her face in the crowd:] We also started to have our senior perks for band. That is so weird to say...I’M A SENIOR! It’s about stinkin’ time. The band parents made us a cake that had our picture on it. That’s when it hit me hardest that this is my last year. I’m excited, but sad at the same time. I never thought I’d say that. But it’s true. Also being seniors, we did senior skits. They went really well, and it definitely was fun getting to act for the first time in my life. Surprisingly, I was better at it than I thought. I was able to keep a straight face! That was an awesome thing for me to accomplish. I have a feeling it is going to be a good band season. Long and exhausting, but good.

The next week was my 18th birthday! SWEET. I had fun with my adventures of being 18. I did some fun stuff with the dudes who I haven’t seen in a while. Spending time with them was a good time. We went to get cigarettes...because I could. DON’T WORRY. I WILL NEVER SMOKE. I went to the mall and got my ear pierced...because I didn’t need a stupid parent signature. Later, we drove around in a limo to visit some friends working at KFC. Then, it was band time. After band practice, I went back to hang with the dudes. We went to record a youtube video. It kinda failed. But oh well. And for reasons left unsaid, we ended up homeless. Me and Samy called DJ at 3 a.m. and thankfully, he opened his house for us to stay in. The bad luck coincidentally happened on Friday the 13th...WEIRD. But after a fun day and night, it definitely was filled with fun adventures and fun times.

My life kind of died down after that and isn’t so hectic and crazy. Except for now, because I am currently typing this in a hotel with Tiff. We are in King’s Island. On a mini vacation. We are at a waterpark called Great Wolf Lodge. In the hotel, it has a thing called MagiQuest. I paid 30 dollars for a pink wand. You go around the hotel finding certain objects and use your wand to say you found it. It’s quite amusing. And also hilarious considering we are playing the game with 7 year olds. You can never be too old to have fun. It makes me feel like a kid again. And when we got back to the hotel, we turned on the tv and Princess Tiffany and Savvy are in the top 5 for most of the categories! WOO! Also, while playing the game, a girl came up to me and commented saying she liked my shirt. My shirt is a Silver Ring Thing shirt. I was like, HECK YEAH! It got me pumped to have someone in Ohio comment on it. REPRESENT. Another fun event that happened was an EXTREME bubble bath. We filled the jacuzzi tub with bubbles...overflowing bubbles. IT WAS SUPER LEGIT. I couldn’t tell when the water ended and the bubbles started. It was a good time.

So, I think this is all there was to update about my life. It’s getting hard to think because this blog is so long. And if you are still even reading this far, props to you. I will fill you in when I have more to write about! I want to leave with a new saying I learned and I love dearly. “Change your thinking, change your world.”